Samantha Morris

These are the lessons I’m really having to work through.

There are things I want to tell people- friends, twitter folk, and anyone who might read this; things I want to talk to everyone about and bring awareness to, but I can’t. Mostly for legal reasons and partially because I hate that it even happened and wish that it could just disappear from my memory. One day I hope to tell my story and what happened to me and what I’ve been going through for the past 5 months.

I wish this feeling of being scared and worried and on edge ALL OF THE TIME would go away. I wish the feeling that I’m being watched ALL OF THE TIME would go away. I wait for the day that I don’t think about what happened to me every morning I wake up and every night before falling asleep. No person should ever be subjected to this kind of torture and my heart and thoughts go out to those who are.

Tonight I sit in my office closet, eyes welling up as I type this, tears unable to be held back. I feel so helpless and confused and hurt and betrayed. How can someone you trust do something so terrible and sick to you? How can you not know that behind that caring and relatively normal mask there is a sick person lurking in the shadows. I guess that’s why you wore a mask, so no one would know. Well you fooled everyone, until now. I hope one day people see you for what you really are. I hope you are going through more hell than I am. I hope every tear I’ve cried causes you to suffer more and more.

Tonight I’m just lost. I’m trying to move on, physically, mentally, and emotionally and technically I can’t because things aren’t finalized. But where does that leave me? I can’t move forward…. and I can’t go back. I’m trapped.

I woke up this morning in a panic after a repeating dream. I’ve had variations of this dream probably 11 times over the past 2 months and it’s not fun AT ALL. I can’t specifically say what it is that I’m dreaming of (nightmaring of) but I know it’s my brains way of trying to work through some shiznits that have happened.

Each time I have this dream there’s always a change, and I gain more confidence, and more of a voice which is very interesting to think about after each morning of waking up after having said dreams. Almost like my brain is trying to give me something I didn’t have. Like it’s trying it’s hardest to fix my subconscious and make everything ok. The problem with last night’s dream is that it’s still in my head 5 hours after waking up.

I can’t seem to shake it today. I almost wish I could go to sleep right now so I could hopefully dream about something else so I can forget this crazy ass dream.

OY. So anxious. Also the nightmare last night happened in perfect chronological order, which I think has something to do with it being so imprinted in my brain right now. I think because it happened in a manner that could have taken place…my brain wants to process it like a real memory unlike dreams where things happen at random (i.e. I’ll be in one room doing homework then jump to me riding a bike somewhere)

Maybe typing all of this out will help me forget it and as the day progresses I can fill my brain with other thoughts. Anxious to see where the nightmare story will go next time I have it!

Let me start off by saying I’m a firm believer in believing that life doesn’t “just happen” to people, but it’s their choices that make their lives. That being said, I’m also a firm believer in bad/good/dumb luck and also possibly everything happens for reason.

Tonight and frankly for the past 2 weeks my brain feels like someone is just mashing it to pieces as my mind tries to formulate some kind of logical answer as to what decisions I made or what kind of luck I have or what reason there is for what is going on in my life right now. (One thing I can say for sure- My OCD and Anxiety are having a field day!)

All I know is that I have to try to keep telling myself that this time, this circumstance I literally had no way of controlling. That it was someone else’s weak, pathetic act that just happened to me. That this time life DID IN FACT just happen to me. And now I have to pick up the pieces of my self and live with it.

And who knows maybe one day when something else happens in my life that I can’t control I’ll be better able to handle it because I’ll have made it through this… *crosses everything* Here’s hoping!

Are you w/ ATT or Verizon?? Do you love it?

Thinking about giving up my BBerry for an iPhone. FINALLY!!!!